We start the day off with news breaking early this morning of Kyler Murray’s official height. Yea, I know. Exactly the kind of news you expect ESPN to be blowing up your phone with first thing this morning, right? Well, maybe not. None the less congrats to the kid for reaching a height of 5’10 ( I know this isn’t how the combine is listing height anymore but to be honest how the have it now is pretty fucking stupid). For whatever reason this was going to be an absolute deal breaker to some NFL teams because the difference in 5’9 and 5’10 is enough to make them back away from what could be a potential franchise changing talent. Smart right? I’m not saying that he will for sure be the Russel Wilson reincarnate that some think he will be, but I think that not taking the chance over a couple of pubic hairs worth of height would be absolutely crazy town. Also his hand size came in just over 9” so now we can rest assure that he can hold a football without it squirting out of his hand like a greased up bar of soap.
We fast forward a couple hours through the day and I’ve got to say, this is by far what I am most excited for. Jason Witten is returning to the Dallas Cowboys. To say that my eyes welled up with tears of joy when i read that on twitter just might be a little over exaggerated….. but not by much. Now I could really care less about his actual time he will spend playing. He’s a hall of fame Tight End and yada yada yada, but thanks be to God I will not have to listen to this man spew absolute word vomit in my ears every monday night. The hate fest between him and Booger was interesting enough sure. At one point i was genuinely rooting for the two of them squaring off in the booth like Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang, which would’ve been ultimately more entertaining to watch anyway. However this absolute robot of a man did manage to malfunction to the point he gave some all time quotes this year with the “pulled a rabbit out of his head” and “really kicked himself in the foot there” but beside those two hilarious in game analysis the most we could get out of him was staring desperately into Joe Tessitore’s eyes and mumbling small jabs back and forth with Booger. So thank you Mr. Witten for going ahead and saving face as much as you could by signing yourself up for having Dak Prescott as your QB again, I can only imagine that is a punishment as fitting as the viewers having to listen to your broadcasts.
Last but certainly not least, 13 years 330 million dollars. Holy shit. I know that Machado just signed 10/ 300 million and this is just a big fuck you to him but that is still an absurd amount of money for some one who isn’t even the best player in baseball. I can only imagine what it’s going to look like when Mike Trout starts swinging his dick around in free agency. One thing that you can always count on though is when a deal like this comes through you can bet your sweet ass the timeline is going to be flooded with Year/Game/Inning/Pitch breakdowns of how much he will be making, it’s enough to make any normal working person sick just seeing the total i don’t need it shoved down my throat like that. Also people must have just realized today that 13 years is a decent amount of time. “When Harper’s contract is up I’ll be 37 years old” well yes buddy congrats on understanding math and time.
Viral Story of the Day:
Some dude apparently dipped his balls into a customers salsa. You read that right. Now i don’t know the full story behind it but i could only hope that the guy who is on the receiving end of this testicle infused mexican delight was an absolute jack ass and didn’t tip, which in that case it may be well deserved. I understand being fed up with life sometimes but I can’t imagine the absolute mess this was for the guy dropping his balls in the salsa like it was a steaming hot tortilla chip at a mexican resteraunt. I know that this is far worse for the guy who ordered the salsa but that couldn’t have been all too enjoyable for the offender either.
Well that’s all i have for the day. I’d appreciate feed back