Ok, so let me start out by saying this isn’t my typical blog however, this needs addressed. When I first came across this chart, I of course found position 51 to be hilarious. But when I really got to studying this thing my first thought was “holy shit this can’t be serious”, 51 was added as an afterthought to an already existing chart. I mean a good 80 percent of what we’ve got going on here is not only very impractical from a pure pleasure standpoint but, would only be capable of being pulled off by a couple of Olympic athletes and a dick like Secretariats. So without sports to write about this is what I am reduced too, but fuck it this should make for some funny ass content. I’m taking the liberty of naming these positions myself by the way so bare with me. Without further ado here’s me breaking down the most ridiculous chart of sex positions known to man.
1. Lets be real here, there is absolutely no reason for this. To think that you would accomplish anything by this that a normal cowgirl position couldn’t is just the absolute peak of absurdity. All this would do is create one hell of a work out for the dude and make it to where neither parties could be doing a whole hell of a lot of movement.
2. The lazy dog is a very practical and routine way to bone for married couples. Sometimes your both so damn tired that doggy is just a little too much so it just makes sense to go ahead and lay on over. Now this right here makes zero sense. I mean a dick only bends so far man like why put it in this sort of a strain. Looks painful and unproductive.
3. I mean what do you want me to say here? This looks as if the guy just wanted to get a good BJ whilst doing his best Silver Back impression. I guess if you’re a big Planet of the Apes fan this might be the way to go. Unless you’re just needing a good groin stretch and think to yourself “two birds, one stone” I don’t see how you ever end up like this.
4. I mean this is one way of doing it. To me this is just fresh off of the ole trusty jack hammer, Ive got no real complaints here, there’s easier ways of going about it but this isn’t outlandish.
5. Somebody here just has attachment issues. Who in their right mind would think that something like this would result in anything but a strained lower back or ankle. Just let her or him know that you don’t have to hug during sex, it’s sex.
6. I mean what’s wrong with just straight up doggy style? It’s literally the most natural position on the earth, like every animal bangs like that, what makes us any better? I guess if you’re just needing a change of pace for a minute this is fine, but be warry soldier hang in there like this too long and that hamstring you tweaked playing in your men’s league softball game is going to say it’s last goodbyes.
7. I mean nothing needs to be this intimate, this isn’t 50 shades of grey. Hop on top, roll it over, doggy style for the finish and you’re out of there. Just change who starts on top next time. If you’re ever doing this shit she watched waaaaayyyyy to much True Blood.
8. Pillow seems a little unnecessary, outside of that this is one of the few on the list that should be in your rotation.
9. I don’t know. I mean like I said for 7 there’s nothing really here that seems like a solid idea. I mean this might work fine for a minute but your legs will be asleep in no time and again no one needs to be holding each other that much.
10. Like unless you are legitimately trying to transfer something from your ass to her why would this even be thought up. Does being super well endowed give you the freedom to bend your member past a 90 degree angle? Even if it does can this possibly feel good? Not only am I asking for the man, but that poor girl is folded up like a lawn chair and than sat on by a full grown man. No thanks.
11. This is pretty straight up and down, I mean she’s riding you backwards and you just want a handful of tits. No shame in that. From personal experience though it doesn’t take long for the ole abdominal muscles to start burning, enjoy it for a minute the just lay back down, sex shouldn’t feel like work.
12.Pretty sure there is a clothed version of this going around as a TikTok challenge. Like this looks like exercise, there’s a fine line you have to walk while bumping uglys between having fun and working out, this crosses the line.
13. Look there’s 50 of these things I’m not spending too much time on ones that are essentially the same thing as another postion. This is simply number 2 with the leg thrown over, which in all fairness makes way more sense.
14. I mean the guy isn’t doing his part right now but we all know what this is, and if you don’t you shouldn’t be reading this anyway.
15. I can’t tell if anything is going on here or not. I mean I guess it’s a good view if you’re winded.
16. “Take a knee boys” has a whole different meaning here. This is one of those that unless you’re just hung like a mule and are both in great shape just avoid it all together. I promise you nothing good will come out of tying this without the aforementioned attributes.
17. This is essential number 5 with a handful of titty and stretching that hamstring out to everything it’s got left in the tank.
18. Nothing and I mean nothing says you’re trying to hard more than the thought “Hey lets move this to the stairs”. Ladies if you care about your health whatsoever never allow this to happen. Men already turn back into cavemen while doing it, we can only use one head at a time. Also if somehow this works to completion that moment of post nut clarity for a dude is brutal so there’s a real chance that you’re just going to get dropped down a flight of stairs.
19. Sometimes your just need a change of pace, this is the Darren Sproles of sex positions. Good way to keep the chains moving, just probably want to sub it out when it’s goal line time.
20. Position 7 to 9 to 20 you can see where you will start, and eventually how you’ll end up. Fatigue has brought you both to floor as you realize you might need to hang up the cleats on this position. I mean you’re just both sitting in the floor at this point. Not a lot gets done there.
21. Refer to position 10, there’s no earthly reason any two humans should find themselves like this. This is eerily reminiscent of two mutts getting tied up. Before you get into this position really take a second to stop and just look at yourself, and get back to being a normal fucking human.
22. So I feel like the issue we keep running into with most of these is that 1. How would this be comfortable? and 2. Could you even move enough to accomplish anything?
23. Unless you are Russel Brand do not try this, that’s a back surgery waiting to happen. If you don’t understand the reference again you are probably too young for this blog.
24. This really makes you wonder, has the person who made these pictures had sex before? Or do they have any knowledge of the human anatomy? Unless the male participant can turn his appendages into rubber like Mr. Fantastic this is really not even near the realm of possibility.
25. Realistically I know that they probably didn’t but a position on the chart for a man getting his ass ate. But due to the same issues with 24, a dick can only do so much. So if you’re wanting to saddle up on you’re old lady for a good rim job this is probably the way to go, just not for a regular ole BJ.
26. As the caption of the picture states this is just straight up eating pussy, one of the few normal things you’ll see on here.
28. See the issue that I’m having with a lot of these is one resounding question, why? I mean just lay down, this is just straining yourself to hold up another human, while you’re getting what I can only imagine being the toothiest of blow jobs. A lot of work with no gain, no thanks.
28. Again there’s just way to much cuddling going in here for this to be any kind of fucking. At least this time the dude has a solid base and isn’t running the rest of rolling and ankle.
Hahahahaha. Like what is that!? Lmao. Not only is this not physically possible, but what sort of psychopath would say “lean up on that wall, I’m going to do a head stand and fuck ya” I’m almost 100 percent sure a virgin made this chart.
31. Back to normalcy. This one is actually pretty nice, in the words of Miley Cyrus “you get the best of both worlds” with this one. Would recommend.
32. Hahahahaha, what the actual fuck lol. Why two people would ever find them selves knotted up like this is beyond me. I’m assuming when their finished it just turns into a high risk game of leap frog.
33. Not much to put here. A true American classic.
34. Basically what’s happened here is you’ve conned yourself into some unnecessary work men, lay back down, get her to sit back up. This is probably fine for a minute or two but stick to the basics, no need to wear yourself out.
35. Fellas lets have a chat real quick, if you ever and I mean ever find yourself in this position you run like hell. You might think you did some fucking but you just got fucked. She’s liable to finish and smack you on the ass and tell you to go make her a sandwich, no self respecting man should be folded up and pounded like that. You’re worth more than that king.
36. She’s just showing off here, but you let her. I mean that’s great you can do a heel stretch but your cheerleading days have ended , you’re just a regular ole flexible hoe now. Doesn’t mean we don’t love you for it.
37. Guys I get it, we’ve all seen the videos. But truth be told there’s not a lot of respectable young ladies now days looking for a good throat fucking. If you find one that is, just use the edge of the bed. Mostly for comfort purposes. You’re putting this young lass through enough already I promise.
38. I mean there’s really no wrong way of doing it.
40. There’s just no way anything productive comes out of this. Again I’m questioning if the creator of this chart knows where the pussy is located and how to reach it.
41. 100 times out of 100 this started from a back massage. You promised you wouldn’t, but everything was good and lotioned up anyway, so why not? This is legitimately the only reason I can think to give your significant other a back massage, is with the hopes you end up here.
42. I legit can’t stop laughing at some of these. I’ve been looking for a way to fuck with the added plus of all the blood I’m my body being distributed to my two heads and giving myself a shit ton of neck pain. I’m glad I found this lol.
43. I’m pretty positive this is reserved for lesbians. And for good reason.
44. I don’t hate it. Maybe you’re trying to get a little extra power in your stroke game, I’m not judging. Show off.
45. Back to my virgin theory why would this be an option over straight up missionary? Did the person who made this not know that the girls legs should be, you know, spread? Or do people actually do this? Because from my experience things aren’t adding up well here.
46. Finally this man has wised up and just kicked back to watch the show, grab you a handful of titty buddy, you’ve earned it.
47. I’m all for equality, but what’s going on here? Why is she up there? Why are you’re legs like that? I’d imagine if a female did me like I’d end up curled up in a ball crying afterwards.
48. Even the annoying Instagram fitness couples would probably think this is absurd. I mean who is trying to work 7 muscle groups while throwing hip? Not this guy.
49. What I’m seeing out of this is that we’ve started out in the tonsil scrubber (37) and now you’ve ended up like this. If a girl can make you draw up like a cat about to throw up a hair ball. You better get to proposing.
50. We’re ending on a high note. It’s kind of hard to mess this up. I’ll just point out to the fellas this is essential, just as essential as the CNA you’re hooking up with.
Well guys thats going to wrap it up, no pun intended. I hope you all have enjoyed this, like I stated at the start of this blog this isn’t my typical sort of thing. I did think this had a chance to be killer content though. Before anyone replies to this sex shaming me,because some loser undoubtedly will, just know I’ve got a kid so there’s proof that I fuck buddy where is yours? Seriously unless you’re a pornstar or a extremely athletic couple with a massive dong don’t come at acting like this shit is normal, it’s not lol. For the common man like myself, I hope you’ve enjoyed this breakdown of the most ridiculous sex position chart ever. Let’s have a killer rest of the week and check out Bonfire Sports latest podcast if you haven’t already! Thanks! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bonfire-sports/id1459828340?i=1000471380413